Category Archives: Leadership

The Dreaded Conversation

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“I’m not looking forward to this conversation,” Rachel confided. “I have been dreading this for weeks.”

“So, you have been putting this off?” I answered (with a question).

She nodded. “I hate dealing with misbehavior. I would prefer to drop a few hints and hope they get the message.”

“So, hope is your strategy?”

Rachel chuckled, in pain. “I want to do this right. This conversation is treacherous. As the manager, if I screw this up, it could make matters worse.”

“How about three ground-rules?” I asked.

“Okay, I’m all in,” she replied.

“Now, if your purpose is to simply fire someone, cut them off at the knees, you don’t need this. But if your objective is for the team member to correct the behavior, put the performance back on track, then start here.

Three Groundrules credit to Pat Murray

  • No surprises
  • Re-visit the deal
  • Be slow to understand

No Surprises
The purpose of this conversation is to re-place the team member on stable ground so that corrective adjustments can be built. People have difficulty coping when the rug has been pulled from underneath.

Revisit the Deal
There was always a deal. Sometimes people forget the deal and that’s why their behavior gets out of whack.

Be Slow to Understand
Managers often jump to conclusions without the facts, trying to solve the problem before they understand the problem. Be slow to understand.

Personal Benefit

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“Speak in terms of the other person’s interests.” Those words rattled around in Susan’s head for a minute. Finally she spoke.

“But, you know, sometimes, there is stuff that I need to communicate. Sometimes there is stuff that is in my interest, or the company’s interest. What do I do then? I mean, it’s all well and good to talk about the other person’s interests, but what about me, what about the company?”

“Susan, you make it sound like your team doesn’t have you or the company at heart. In fact, they do. Let’s take the issue of efficiency. It is in your best interest as the manager and in the company’s best interest for your team to work efficiently, right?”

“Exactly,” Susan replied, moving to the edge of her chair. “I want to talk about efficiency, so how do I talk in terms of the other person’s interests when I want to have a discussion about efficiency?”

“First, Susan, understand that your team also wants to be efficient. Believe it or not, your team wants to be productive and do a good job. They want to do a good job for you and the company. And it is your responsibility, as the manager, to make that connection.

“Gather your team together. Divide them in workgroups of two or three people and tell them the topic for the day is efficiency.

“Today’s topic for discussion is efficiency. But before we talk about how we can be more efficient, let’s talk about why. For the next one minute, work in your teams and write down three benefits that happen when we work more efficiently. The benefits you think about, should be personal benefits to you. You spend 8 hours a day working here and you work hard. What are the personal benefits to you when the team works more efficiently?”

A New Leader Emerges

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The group worked for ninety minutes in a simulation to complete a complex task. Once the task sequence and its steps were decided and practiced, the test was to complete the entire sequence in a twenty minute time frame.

I stopped the simulation to ask a simple question. “Which of you is the leader?” There had been no formal selection, but the group immediately looked at Sam.

“What is it about Sam, that made him the leader?” I asked.

The team members exchanged glances, wondering if they were all thinking the same thing. “Well, Sam seemed to know how to organize this thing together,” Marvin volunteered.

“How did he do that? You have not worked together as a team before.”

There was a brief moment, then Kyle piped up. “Sam pulled us all together, asked questions about what each of us thought. Within three minutes, he had a plan, assigned some individual responsibilities and we started working.”

Sam was chosen as the leader because he understood the complexity of the situation better (at least faster) than the others.

At that moment, Emma stood up. She was sitting on the sidelines, in fact, I wondered if she was paying attention.

“I think we can complete this task in five minutes, instead of twenty,” she said.

All eyes turned. In an instant, a new leader emerged. Leadership is an observable phenomenon.

Technical Contributors as Managers

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“When did you notice the slowdown in throughput?” Catherine asked. The response from the client was consistent and overwhelming.

“Right after we promoted Duncan to manager.”

“And what was Duncan doing before he was promoted to manager?” she wanted to know.

“Duncan is an engineer. He was doing engineering. Best engineer we have, so we promoted him to Engineering Manager.”

Catherine knew engineers and the worst decision was to make an engineer a manager. She interviewed the team and documented her observations. Her initial report was so precise, so descriptive that it climbed the ladder to the client’s executive team, in charge of engineering integration with every other function in the company. She did not expect the email, but there it was in front of her. “We know we had a small budget for this project, but we want to expand deployment across all teams. What could we expect?”

Trust or Frustration

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“What about personalities?” Melanie asked.

“Why do you think personalities are so important?” I replied with a question.

“But, isn’t my team just a collection of personalities?” she said.

“We look at an organization and instinctively think that we must pay attention to the personalities as that will be the way the team gets along. Far more important is the structure, the way we organize the work and define the working relationships,” I nodded.

“How so?” Melanie said, trying to be practical.

“Think about the simple relationship between a manager and a team member,” I continued. “That relationship will spell trust, fairness and deep satisfaction, OR, it will spell frustration, manipulation and despair. The organization gets to choose how it defines that working relationship. Further, those emotionally charged responses of trust or frustration will spill over into the way people see the rest of the world. On the shoulders of the organization is the tone for other social relationships.”

Simple Questions

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“Now I have a team,” Melanie lamented.

“You seem off-balance,” I replied.

“It’s my first team. I’m the manager now,” she took a deep breath. “I woke up this morning and my relationship with the team changed. I don’t know what they want or need from me. I had a dream last night that they all quit and I was left alone.”

“Team members have three simple questions,” I replied. “If you answer these, there is a high liklihood that your team will not abandon you.”

  • What is expected of me?
  • How am I doing?
  • Who do I go to for help?

“The third question is the key,” I said. “On any team, that’s how I identify the manager. Who do they go to for help? That person helps them answer the first two questions. It is a question of WHO?”

Melanie repeated the questions. “Who helps me set expectations in my role, to which I agree? Who helps me understand how I am doing? Who do I go to for help?”

“Take your team one by one,” I nodded. “Help them answer those questions. Not easy, but simple.”

By Virtue of Contract

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“You have been quite clear, that it is the manager accountable for the output of the team, so, does the team member have no culpability for the work?” I asked.

“Of course they do,” Pablo countered. “By virtue of a contract, a very simple employment contract, each team member is expected to show up for work each and every day, bringing the full application of their capability, in short, to do their best.”

“Sounds simplistic, if not idealistic,” I snorted.

“Indeed simple, AND not idealistic,” Pablo replied. “It is not a matter of idealism, it is a matter of contract. And, as a matter of contract, the manager must assume each team member is doing their best.”

“But, assuming the team member is doing their best does NOT make it so.” I pushed back.

“Why, do you think it is hard?” Pablo asked, not giving me time to respond. “It is not difficult for team members to continually do their best. It is only when our people systems are dysfunctional, people find it difficult. Unless we, as managers, prevent it, people will engage, with full commitment to do their best, in fact, will find deep life satisfaction in doing so.”

It’s What People Believe

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“People have a fair, intuitive sense of their own capability,” Pablo said. “And, they yearn for opportunity to exercise their full potential. To do otherwise causes people to wilt. A great deal of a person’s self-esteem, even identity, comes from the value they see in the work that they do.”

“So, the system in which they work has impact on how they behave?” I floated.

“It’s not just the system, it’s what people believe about the system. What we believe, our assumptions, the way we see the world is what drives our behavior. Look, the real question is, if we believe that people want to fully participate at their highest level of capability, spread their wings toward independence, that they do not need a carrot and stick to get on with their work, then what kind of managerial system would we create?”

“This sounds a bit idealistic, don’t you think?” I countered.

“Not at all,” Pablo replied. “This is about hard nosed work. Making decisions and solving problems, tough decisions and difficult problems.”

What Does It Mean?

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“So, when I try to get my team to understand what I mean, I have to look inside, at myself first?” Renata asked.

I nodded. “And making meaning is a bit of sticky wicket,” I replied, using my best croquet analogy.

“How so?”

“When we look inside to figure out what we mean, we are simply asking questions to help us interpret people, things, events, conversations,” I said. “Interpretation helps us understand the meaning. It’s not what the facts are, it’s the way we interpret the facts. And, then you have to ask the question, in relation to what?”

“Explain.”

“For a leader, at any level, it has a great deal to do with the objectives, goals or mission. How do we interpret these facts in relationship to our goals or our mission? That gives us insight into what it means.”

Conversations With Yourself

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“I am trying to figure out how to make my case to the team about our new process,” Renata nodded her head.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Sometimes, the way I say things gets the wrong reaction,” she replied. “I think I mean to say one thing, but they think I mean something else. I need to know better how to talk to them.”

“How are you talking to yourself?” I wanted to know.

“My turn to ask what do you mean?” she chuckled.

“How you talk to yourself, your inner private conversations indicate how you lead yourself. And, how you lead yourself will determine how you lead others. Most conversations are with yourself, often it just happens that other people are in the room.”
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Homage to Susan Scott, Fierce Conversations