Tag Archives: listening

Persuasion

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“So, I should focus on execution?” Roberta asked.

“It takes both. Flawless execution of a bad idea is still a bad idea,” I replied. “But even if you have a good idea, unless the team believes in your idea, you will not get flawless execution.”

“So, it’s persuasion?” she wanted to know.

“The best persuaders are not those with the most powerful ideas,” I nodded. “The best persuaders are those who listen. Listening reveals the path to persuasion. The best salesperson I ever knew was fond of saying – if you will just listen to the customer for three minutes, they will tell what and how they want to buy.”

Telling People What to Do

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“So, I may have a better way, but if I don’t get the team behind me, there will be friction in the process?” Roberta wondered out loud.

“Most assuredly,” I replied. “And there is a public persona to a team behind you, which looks high spirited and agreeable, but, there is also a private persona which may be filled with grumbling, victim status or outright mutiny. Behind your back, of course.”

“So, I may not see it coming?” she asked.

“If you are unaware, you will always be blindsided,” I smiled. “So, it’s not enough to get public agreement. You have to draw out the discontent. The real issue is not the better of two methods, the real issue is the position for pushback. Until you acknowledge and listen to the team, its reasoning for the way work gets done, its history of frustration, its valiant attempts to make things better that were ultimately stiffarmed by a policy or a silly rule. You have to tease out the real issue before you can deal with the merits of one method over another. Great managers are seldom known for their efficiency in telling people what to do. Great managers are known for their ability to bring value to the work of the team.”

Not Enough to Listen Attentively

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Isn’t it funny, in school, when we think of the three “R’s,” only one starts with an “R.” (Reading, writing, arithmetic) Isn’t it funny, when we think about Communication in the organization, it’s always about talking, presenting and writing.

  • “How many of you, at some point in school, learned how to write?” All hands go up.
  • “And how many of you, at some point in school, learned how to read?” All hands go up.
  • “And how many of you, at some point, took a class in debate or public speaking?” Many hands go up.
  • “And how many of you have take some formal class of instruction in listening skills?” Few hands go up.

Let’s examine different levels of listening.

  • Level I – Ignoring (my wife says, I must be good at this, as much as I practice)
  • Level II – Pretending to listen (my wife says my skill definitely exceeds the ignoring level)
  • Level III – Selective listening (I always hear the part about the score of the football game, yet miss the part about taking out the garbage)
  • Level IV – Attentive listening (finally, some serious listening happening here)

It is only with Level IV that we are able to make headway to improve the quality of communication. Yet, most of our attentive listening consists of eye contact, some positive body language and focus on the other person’s lips, waiting… waiting… waiting… for them to finally take a breath, so we can break in and… respond. Most attentive listening is listening to respond.

To improve the quality of communication, attentive listening must move to a deeper level, listening for understanding. It is only at this level that we begin to truly understand the other person. Listen for understanding.

Yet, take it one level deeper and you will see exponential benefits from your conversations. Listen for discovery. Discovery is that intersection of the other person’s direction and your direction. That point of intersection is communication magic. It’s like that common ground you find when you discover that both parties grew up in Texas. The conversation changes, a new level of trust occurs. The real discovery, however, the true payoff, is the discovery of intersection in the future. In what direction is the other person headed? What direction are you headed? Where, in the field, will you meet up? Listen for discovery.

Who Listens to Whom?

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“If you don’t think I should have given the team my list of ideas before asking for their ideas, why didn’t you just say so?” Susan curtly asked.

“Would you have listened to me?” I replied. “Does your team listen to you?”

“Apparently, my team does NOT listen to me,” Susan stopped. “My team doesn’t listen to me, and I don’t listen to you. Nobody’s listening.”

“If your team is not listening to you, what could you do differently?” I smiled. “Remember, the goal is NOT to get them to listen to you (because they won’t), but to get their ideas on how to speed up daily output?”

Susan was obstinate, but the questions were breaking her down.

I continued. “If your team is not listening to YOUR ideas, whose ideas will they listen to?”

Susan was reluctant to reply, but she finally did. “I guess they will only listen to their own ideas.”

They Don’t Want to Listen

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“But, what if my team just doesn’t want to listen to me?” Susan protested.

“And, how does that make you, as the manager, less responsible for the communication?” I asked.

“Yeah, but, if they don’t want to listen, how can I make them listen?”

“Indeed, how can you make them listen?”

Susan stopped, this wasn’t going anywhere. “I can’t make them listen. If they don’t want to listen, I have to figure out how to get them to want to listen.”

“That’s a start. Remember, as the manager, you are 100 percent responsible for the communication. So, how do you get them to listen in the first place?”

“Well, I guess I have to talk about things they are interested in. I have to get their attention.”

“And since you are 100 percent responsible for the communication, that is exactly where you should start. Speak in terms of the other person’s interests.”

Most Difficult Thing To Do

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Cheryl was impatient to get to her meeting. She knew how this get-together would be different. Her behavior would be the first to change. Instead of a one-way interaction, Cheryl planned to ask questions and listen.

“I know listening is important,” she said.

“It is the easiest thing to do and also the most difficult,” I prompted. “Tell me, what will you be listening for?”

“I will be listening for good ideas to solve this Quality Control issue,” Cheryl was quick to answer.

“That’s a good start, but the solution isn’t the hard part. Heck, they know the solution. The hard part is getting the solution executed. That’s where you have been getting push-back.”

Cheryl glanced at the ceiling, then at the table. “You’re right. The resistance has been implementing the inspection program. I will just have to try to understand their position better.”

“Cheryl, it’s more than listening for understanding. Understanding only gets you halfway there. You have to listen for discovery. You have to discover where their position intersects with your position. Only when you find that intersection, that common ground, can you begin a conversation to build the best solution. When you find that common ground, you will begin to build the trust necessary to gain the willing cooperation of your team.”

Cheryl lifted her pen to the paper on the table. She drew a line and wrote “the team.” She drew another line crossing and labeled it “me.” Where the lines intersected, she wrote “the starting place.”

Listen More, Talk Less

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“So, what are you going to do differently?” I asked. Cheryl had just received some brutally honest feedback from her team. Rather than become defensive, she was taking it to heart, a really tough move for Cheryl.

“As much as I know that I have things figured out,” she said, “that doesn’t seem to hold water around here.” Cheryl was truly struggling. She knew her team needed to make some changes, but she knew she had to make some changes first.

“So, what are you going to do differently?” I repeated.

“It’s almost like I have to do everything differently. The worst part is, that I can look at a problem and immediately know what to do. But I am going to have to lead my team through the problem solving process to make any headway with them. It just takes so much time.”

“Cheryl, sometimes you have to slow down before you can go fast?”

“I know,” she replied.

“So, what are you going to do differently?”

“First, I am going to have to listen more and talk less.”

“Good. When is your next team meeting?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Let’s meet about a half hour before and talk about how that meeting is going to be different.”

Why People Don’t Listen

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“They just don’t listen,” Roy complained. “You would think they would have some respect. After all, I have been doing this job for more that 15 years.”

“It’s because they have a dot,” I replied.

“What do you mean they have a dot?”

“A dot. Everybody has a dot. Your team members, each, have a dot. You have a dot. Only your dot doesn’t match their dot.”

Roy was quick. “Okay, but if their dot is wrong, why don’t they listen to me?”

“I don’t know, why do you think?”

Roy was ready for bear. That’s a Texas expression that means Roy wanted to argue. And he was perfectly willing to go first. “Sometimes, I think they are just pig-headed, stubborn. My logic is easy to see, but if I point out they are wrong, it seems they cling to their ideas even harder.”

“Imagine that,” I pondered out loud.

Here is MY Position

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This pandemic is not simple, it is incredibly complicated with tons of uncertainty surrounding it. And, I observe a deepening divide between medical conservatism and getting the country back to work. Some of these discussions are emotionally heated, vociferous.

Some have asked about my position. The instant we take a position, we stop listening. When we stop listening, we stop learning. You may think you are listening, but you are listening with bias, selectively seeking out only what you want to hear.

In our dramas, there are three groups of characters, heroes, victims and villains. One cannot exist without the other two. It is a co-dependent relationship, they draw and feed on each other. For any of the three characters to win in the drama, the strategy is NOT to be a more vile villain, a stronger hero, or a suffering victim. The winning strategy is to get off the stage.

Levels of Listening

  • Ignoring completely.
  • Pretending to listen.
  • Selective listening.
  • Listening to respond.
  • Listening to understand.
  • Listening for intersection, where we have common ground.

It is only when we find common ground that we can build a relationship.

Or You Can Be Curious

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If you are in situation with another person, who disagrees with you, you can respond in one of two ways. You can be frustrated that they disagree. You can attempt to persuade them to your way of thinking. You can impugn their intelligence.

Or you can be curious. What led them to their position of disagreement? What evidence do they see in the world that you don’t see? What other people did they listen to, that influenced their thinking? What consequences might occur if their position turns out to be a better description of reality?