From the Ask Tom mailbag:
Question:
I ask questions of my team members, and they provide answers but not always the right answer and, as a result, the conversation can appear like an inquisition. It’s challenging, at that time, not to revert to “telling” rather than “asking“.
Response:
This is a critical understanding. If you are asking questions and you do not get the responses you want. It is not because the responses are wrong. It is because you are asking the wrong questions. -TF
“Speak in terms of the other person’s interests.” Those words rattled around in Susan’s head for a minute. Finally she spoke.
“But, you know, sometimes, there is stuff that I need to communicate. Sometimes there is stuff that is in my interest, or the company’s interest. What do I do then? I mean, it’s all well and good to talk about the other person’s interests, but what about me, what about the company?”
“Susan, you make it sound like your team doesn’t have you or the company at heart. In fact, they do. Let’s take the issue of efficiency. It is in your best interest as the manager and in the company’s best interest for your team to work efficiently, right?”
“Exactly,” Susan replied, moving to the edge of her chair. “I want to talk about efficiency, so how do I talk in terms of the other person’s interests when I want to have a discussion about efficiency?”
“First, Susan, understand that your team also wants to be efficient. Believe it or not, your team wants to be productive and do a good job. They want to do a good job for you and the company. And it is your responsibility, as the manager, to make that connection.
“Gather your team together. Divide them in workgroups of two or three people and tell them the topic for the day is efficiency.
“Today’s topic for discussion is efficiency. But before we talk about how we can be more efficient, let’s talk about why. For the next one minute, work in your teams and write down three benefits that happen when we work more efficiently. The benefits you think about, should be personal benefits to you. You spend 8 hours a day working here and you work hard. What are the personal benefits to you when the team works more efficiently?”
Susan looked at me, then pulled out a sheet of paper. “Let me write that down,” she said.
“But, what if my team just doesn’t want to listen to me?” Susan protested.
“And, how does that make you, as the manager, less responsible for the communication?” I asked.
“Yeah, but, if they don’t want to listen, how can I make them listen?”
“Indeed, how can you make them listen?”
Susan stopped, this wasn’t going anywhere. “I can’t make them listen. If they don’t want to listen, I have to figure out how to get them to want to listen.”
“That’s a start. Remember, as the manager, you are 100 percent responsible for the communication. So, how do you get them to listen in the first place?”
“Well, I guess I have to talk about things they are interested in. I have to get their attention.”
“And since you are 100 percent responsible for the communication, that is exactly where you should start. Speak in terms of the other person’s interests.” -TF
“The biggest difficulty we have,” Susan insisted, “is communication.”
I nodded. “How so?”
“Well, sometimes it seems we are not even on the same team. I give instructions, I hold meetings, but when somebody has to coordinate with someone else, it always seems like the ball gets dropped.”
“What do you think the problem is?” I asked.
“It seems that there is an awful lot of talking going on, but not a lot of listening.”
“And that surprises you?” I smiled.
“No. But, as the manager, I expect my team to listen when I talk.” Susan shook her from side to side, impatiently.
“Oh, so this is your team’s fault?”
Susan was no dummy. She sensed I was setting her up. “Well, okay, I know I am 50 percent to blame,” she relented.
“And what would you do differently, if I told you that you were 100 percent responsible. For your team’s complete understanding, you, as the manager, are 100 percent responsible for the success of the communication. What would you do differently?” -TF
“I think I am pretty good at explaining our policies and procedures. I mean, we spent a lot of time developing our processes. We have tested things. We know the best way to get things done. So, why doesn’t my team listen to me?” complained Megan.
“What happens?” I ask.
“Okay, there are 13 steps in this process. And there are certain things that you have to look for, like you can mess up step number two and you won’t notice until step number six, so you have to take the whole thing apart back to step two.”
“Sounds complicated.”
Megan gave me the look. “That’s why I have to explain it. But they don’t seem to listen, then they start doing things their own way. About half the production has to be scrapped.”
“What do you think is happening?”
“They’re just not listening to me,” Megan stated flatly.
“I think you are right. They’re not listening to you. Sounds like they care more about what they think than what you think?” I watched Megan for her response. She didn’t like what I said, but I was just confirming what she had observed. They weren’t listening to her.
“How can you use that to your advantage?” I continued. Megan’s look at me was probably similar to the look she gave her team. “Megan, let’s try something different. I got this camera from some promo give-away. Here, take it. It’s only 3 megapixel and the chip will only take 25 pictures, but why don’t you give your team this camera and ask them to document this 13 step process and see what you get.”
“But they will get it all wrong,” she protested.
“Yes, but it’s a good place to start. Tell me how it goes.” -TF
In her book, Fierce Conversations, Susan Scott talks about deepening our conversations, moving closer to reality, tackling tough challenges and enriching our relationships.
Mineral Rights is a multi-level conversation which cycles through surface issues, toward deeper insights, understanding and learning. Mineral Rights is the kind of conversation we often avoid, yet long to have. Yes, it deals with issues of the heart, beliefs and values. I am often asked when I teach this skill, “Isn’t that kind of personal?†Well, yes. “Doesn’t it make people uncomfortable to talk about that?†Well, no.
People like to talk about themselves. In fact, most people are actually waiting for someone to come along so they can talk about things close to the heart, what they believe, things important. They have been waiting all their lives for someone like you to listen.
-TF
So, the question, yesterday, was how do you raise the interest level for tasks that may be repetitious? How do you prevent people from resenting that type of work?
To read the comments posted, follow this link to our website.
Nathan had some time to think this one over. Giving people more money wasn’t the answer. Compensation is necessary, but seldom a driving force for performance.
“I guess I would have to find out what people really want from their job,” Nathan answered.
“And how would you find that out?” I asked.
“Sometimes, our company puts out an employee survey.”
“And how helpful is that survey to you as a manager?”
Nathan grinned. “Not really helpful at all. The wording on the survey is usually very generic and heck, I don’t even know if the responses are from my team members or someone else’s team.”
“So, how would you find out?” I repeated.
“I guess I would have to just ask them,” Nathan finally concluded.
“All at once, or one at a time?”
“I don’t know, it is kind of a strange topic. I can’t ever remember any of my bosses ever asking me what I wanted out of my job. Maybe I should tackle this one on one.”
“Good,” I nodded. “Now let’s think about what that conversation would sound like.” -TF
“In a conversation, how can you tell someone is ignoring you?” I asked.
“That’s easy,” Lawrence replied. “No eye contact, no questions, they look bored.”
“And in a conversation, how can you tell someone is listening attentively?”
“Well, this time they have eye contact, they stare at you.”
“And all the while you are talking, what are they waiting to do?” I continued.
Lawrence thought for three seconds. “Well, they are probably waiting to a word in edgewise.”
“And in a conversation, how can you tell someone is listening to understand?”
“Well, maybe they are taking notes, maybe they repeat back what they heard.”
“And in a conversation, how can you tell when someone is listening to learn?”
Lawrence was not so quick on this one. Finally, he ventured, “Well, they are listening to understand, but they are also listening to see how what I say fits with what they think.”
“Precisely,” I followed. “And it is at that moment that magic happens. At the intersection of what you think and what I think is the beginning of something new.” -TF
“Communication, my biggest issue is communication,” explained Lawrence. “That’s what it all boils down to. If we could just communicate, if we just would communicate more effectively, things would be better.”
“Do you have trouble speaking?” I asked.
“No,” he retorted. “I always know what I want to say.”
“Well, then it seems you have that part down. If talking is the one part of communication that you don’t have a problem with, what is the other part of the conversation?”
Lawrence was a bit chagrined. He was no dummy. “Listening,” he replied.
“Lawrence, if you would just listen, your customer will tell you how they want to be treated. If you would just listen, your team will tell you how to solve the problem. If you would just listen, your team member will tell you how they want to be motivated.
“Most managers think communication is all about talking, when, the critical part is all about listening.” -TF
Patrick was curious. “I think I understand,” he replied. “When I say you, I sound like a critical parent, no matter how good my intentions are. The word you triggers an emotional response.”
You didn’t do that right.
I nodded, “The word you positions you as the critical parent (ego state) and invites the rebellious child (ego state) to respond. But when you change the word to I, you invite a different person to the conversation.”
I need help with this.
“Who does that sound like?” I asked. “Does that sound like a parent or a child?”
“It sounds like a child. Children always say I want this or I need that,” Patrick replied.
“Exactly. And when you, as a manager use the word I, it positions you differently. More important, who does it invite into the conversation?”
Patrick was quiet, then his face brightened. “A child always asks the parent. When I use the word I,
I need help with this.
“I am asking for help from a parent. I have invited a parent (ego state) into the conversation.” Patrick smiled. This was making sense and now he knew how to go back on the floor and talk to his team member.
Never criticize, it invites a rebellious child to the conversation.
Ask for help, it invites a nurturing parent to the conversation. It is still corrective feedback, just speaking with a different person. -TF