“They just don’t listen,” Roy complained. “You would think they would have some respect. After all, I have been doing this job for more that 15 years.”

“It’s because they have a dot,” I replied.

“What do you mean they have a dot?”

“A dot. Everybody has a dot. Your team members, each, have a dot. You have a dot. Only your dot doesn’t match their dot.”

Roy was quick. “Okay, but if their dot is wrong, why don’t they listen to me?”

“I don’t know, why do you think?”

Roy was ready for bear. That’s a Texas expression that means Roy wanted to argue. And he was perfectly willing to go first. “Sometimes, I think they are just pig-headed, stubborn. My logic is easy to see, but if I point out they are wrong, it seems they cling to their ideas even harder.”

“Imagine that,” I pondered out loud.

Working Leadership Online Schedule
January 26 – Orientation
February 2 – Goal Setting and Time
February 16 – Decision Making
March 2 – Planning
March 16 – Delegation

To find out more about this program and to pre-register, visit www.workingleadership.com.
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From the Ask Tom mailbag:

Question:
How can you help someone improve on their writing skills? We use form letters most often in correspondence and there are not a lot of opportunities to write a letter/memo. Do you have any tips on how I as a manager could assist my direct report? (Aside from taking courses, etc.)

Response:
My best recommendation is practice. I would assign short exercises (3-4 sentences in length) on a periodic basis (1-2x per week) and then spend short coaching sessions (10 minutes) reviewing the exercise. My assignments would be verbal expecting a 3-4 sentence written response.

Before you get started, you will need to sit with this person and define the purpose for the weekly exercise. “We need to work on improving your writing skills so you can be more effective in your role. We are not going to beat a dead horse, but we are going to work on short improvement exercises, where there is no risk. As time goes by, we will shift from exercises to the real writing that our customers (or others) read.”

Using exercises in the beginning allows you to establish a performance improvement program without judging “bad work.” Understand, in the exercises, you are definitely judging, as a manager, the writing performance, but it moves the focus from “bad work” to “improvement” in a non-lethal environment.

It does make some sense, early on in the coaching, to ask “How is what we talked about today, influencing your real written communication with customers?”

Let me know how it goes. -TF

From the Ask Tom mailbag:

Question:

I ask questions of my team members, and they provide answers but not always the right answer and, as a result, the conversation can appear like an inquisition. It’s challenging, at that time, not to revert to “telling” rather than “asking“.

Response:

This is a critical understanding. If you are asking questions and you do not get the responses you want. It is not because the responses are wrong. It is because you are asking the wrong questions. -TF

“But, what if my team just doesn’t want to listen to me?” Susan protested.

“And, how does that make you, as the manager, less responsible for the communication?” I asked.

“Yeah, but, if they don’t want to listen, how can I make them listen?”

“Indeed, how can you make them listen?”

Susan stopped, this wasn’t going anywhere. “I can’t make them listen. If they don’t want to listen, I have to figure out how to get them to want to listen.”

“That’s a start. Remember, as the manager, you are 100 percent responsible for the communication. So, how do you get them to listen in the first place?”

“Well, I guess I have to talk about things they are interested in. I have to get their attention.”

“And since you are 100 percent responsible for the communication, that is exactly where you should start. Speak in terms of the other person’s interests.” -TF

“The biggest difficulty we have,” Susan insisted, “is communication.”

I nodded. “How so?”

“Well, sometimes it seems we are not even on the same team. I give instructions, I hold meetings, but when somebody has to coordinate with someone else, it always seems like the ball gets dropped.”

“What do you think the problem is?” I asked.

“It seems that there is an awful lot of talking going on, but not a lot of listening.”

“And that surprises you?” I smiled.

“No. But, as the manager, I expect my team to listen when I talk.” Susan shook her from side to side, impatiently.

“Oh, so this is your team’s fault?”

Susan was no dummy. She sensed I was setting her up. “Well, okay, I know I am 50 percent to blame,” she relented.

“And what would you do differently, if I told you that you were 100 percent responsible. For your team’s complete understanding, you, as the manager, are 100 percent responsible for the success of the communication. What would you do differently?” -TF

In her book, Fierce Conversations, Susan Scott talks about deepening our conversations, moving closer to reality, tackling tough challenges and enriching our relationships.

Mineral Rights is a multi-level conversation which cycles through surface issues, toward deeper insights, understanding and learning. Mineral Rights is the kind of conversation we often avoid, yet long to have. Yes, it deals with issues of the heart, beliefs and values. I am often asked when I teach this skill, “Isn’t that kind of personal?” Well, yes. “Doesn’t it make people uncomfortable to talk about that?” Well, no.

People like to talk about themselves. In fact, most people are actually waiting for someone to come along so they can talk about things close to the heart, what they believe, things important. They have been waiting all their lives for someone like you to listen.
-TF

“In a conversation, how can you tell someone is ignoring you?” I asked.

“That’s easy,” Lawrence replied. “No eye contact, no questions, they look bored.”

“And in a conversation, how can you tell someone is listening attentively?”

“Well, this time they have eye contact, they stare at you.”

“And all the while you are talking, what are they waiting to do?” I continued.

Lawrence thought for three seconds. “Well, they are probably waiting to a word in edgewise.”

“And in a conversation, how can you tell someone is listening to understand?”

“Well, maybe they are taking notes, maybe they repeat back what they heard.”

“And in a conversation, how can you tell when someone is listening to learn?”

Lawrence was not so quick on this one. Finally, he ventured, “Well, they are listening to understand, but they are also listening to see how what I say fits with what they think.”

“Precisely,” I followed. “And it is at that moment that magic happens. At the intersection of what you think and what I think is the beginning of something new.” -TF