“She ignores me, like I am not even there,” Joan complained, “and I am her boss.” Joan joined the company as a manager nine months ago. One of her direct reports was a 12 year veteran with the company.

“What is the behavior you observe?” I asked.

“I call a meeting of my staff, she doesn’t show. I walk past her in the hallway and she doesn’t acknowledge me. She is focus forward. I have seen personality conflicts before, but this one takes the cake.”

“How do you think you will gain her respect?”

Joan shook her head. “I just want her to be nice. At this point, I have about given up on respect.”

I waited for the pity party to settle for a few seconds. “First, this is not a personality conflict. Second, I don’t care if she is nice to you, I just want her respect.”

“Yeah, right, how is that going to happen?”

“It is really very simple. All you have to do is bring value to her thinking and her work. Stimulate her thinking. Help her improve to the next level. You cannot gain respect by giving directives or demanding that she be a nice person. You can only gain respect by bringing value.” -TF

From the Ask Tom mailbag:

Question:

I’m a new manager for a staff of about 65 people. It seems that my predecessor was not a good manager. I have been left with people who have been misinformed about company and regulatory policies. Anytime I point out something that is being done incorrectly I end up being the bad guy. I’ve tried to be nice, explain my reasoning and show proof but it doesn’t work. They just keep saying the previous manager didn’t tell them. One staff member even called another department to complain. How can I get them to listen and comply with rules? Should I start writing people up or just keep explaining myself?

Response:

One thing I learned a long time ago, was that no one listens to me. It doesn’t matter how brilliant I am. It doesn’t matter how much I nail the solution to the problem, I get no respect. It’s the Rodney effect.

Why should they listen to you? Whatever you have to say means a change for them. And it doesn’t matter if you are right.

There is one person, however, that they will listen to. Do you know who that is? If you can figure out who that person is and get that person to dispense the helpful advice, you might get some traction.

I have found the only person from whom people will take negative criticism is themselves. The advice has to come from them.

Here is how I would start. I would observe the kinds of things that people are doing incorrectly and take some notes, build a list. Then I would call a meeting to discuss how we could make improvements in various areas. I would describe one difficulty or problem or one process in which we would like a different result. Divide the team into smaller groups of 2-3 to brainstorm ideas to get the best ideas, then invite team members to take the new actions and try them out.

I would conduct these five minute meetings 2-3 times per week, looking at all kinds of ways to make improvements. Pretty soon, they will see new ideas you never thought of. And you don’t have to be the critical parent. -TF

“Fight, flight or freeze,” repeated Patrick. “That’s it. He freezes, like a deer in the headlights.”

I smiled. Patrick was catching on. “Have you ever noticed, that when you criticize other members of your team, they respond differently?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah,” Patrick nodded. “Sally gets red in the face and starts arguing with me. And Charlie usually makes some excuse about checking inventory, then disappears for forty-five minutes.”

“Fight, flight or freeze,” I repeated. “Whenever you criticize, you tap into that part of the brain. You tap into the rebellious child who wants to fight, or the compliant child who wants to vanish. Fight, flight or freeze. Which of those contributes to productivity?”

Patrick almost started laughing. “You’re right. No wonder I always feel like a critical parent.”

“So, the question is still on the table. How can we, as managers, provide corrective feedback that gets a different response?” -TF

“How did you expect him to respond?” I asked.

“I expected him to stop doing what he was doing and do what I told him to do,” answered Patrick. “Instead, he just froze. He stopped. His face went blank, like he was all confused. So I left the floor to let him figure it out, get his bearings. Ten minutes later, I’m back out there and he is doing it the old way again. As soon as he sees me, he stops, like he is lost. It was like his first day on the job again.”

“How would you describe his attitude, as a worker?” I asked.

“He has a good attitude, you can tell he wants to do things right, but when you criticize his work, he goes totally incompetent on you.”

“Why do you think that happens?”

“I don’t know. It’s not logical or rational. It’s like he isn’t thinking with part of his brain.”

“Which part of his brain isn’t working?”

“Like, I said,” Patrick continued, “the logical, rational part.”

“So, when you criticize him, what part of his brain do you think you are tapping into? Because you know we all have different parts to our brain.” Patrick was stumped. He knew about different parts of the brain, but he was a manager, not a psychologist.

“Patrick, there are three big parts of the brain. First is that logical, rational part. Second is the emotional part. And the third is the oldest part of the brain. This old brain is what we first used for survival back in the early days of man. This old brain is constantly looking out for danger. Of course, danger today is different than back in the dinosaur days, but it still operates. Most of the time, the old brain, when it senses danger triggers a “fight” or “flight” response. But sometimes, it doesn’t know what to do and just freezes. I call it fight, flight or freeze.

“Think about your criticism as a danger signal that creates fear and I think you will gain some insight into his response.

“As a manager, at times, we have to provide negative feedback, corrective guidance, especially in matters of safety, specific sequences, the way we deal with customers and so on. In what way can we, as managers, provide that feedback without invoking the fight, flight or freeze response?” -TF

From the Ask Tom mailbag:

Question:

I am currently in the IT helpdesk-desktop support field and have been there for five years. I am looking into an entry level management position in IT. What are some of the key things that one should learn or be very strong in.? Much appreciate your response to this.

Response:

First, look at the specific requirements for the position you are going after. Speak with the current supervisor of that position and ask the same question.

Next, there are some core skills that every manager should sharpen, no matter the industry. These include time management, communication skills, planning skills and the like. My favorite book on these subjects was written by Peter Drucker back in the 1960’s called the Effective Executive. It’s still available from Amazon and is a quick read.

Finally, start hanging around with other managers in your company. Find someone to be a mentor, someone you can bounce ideas off of, someone who asks you questions and makes you think. -TF

From the Ask Tom mailbag:

Question: (continued from yesterday)

I am a Regional Manager, responsible for seven locations across the Midwest. At times, I feel as if I am not in touch with their issues, challenges or daily routines. In fact, some are not even “available” for lunch or dinner when I am in town. Have I lost touch?

Response:

First, my question. When you do meet with your managers are you bringing real value to the conversation, or would they just as soon skip it? If you are bringing real value to their thinking and their work, your managers will look forward to these meetings. They will not miss these meetings for all the tea in China.

So, what does that conversation sound like? How do you, as their manager, bring value to their thinking and their work?

Most managers think they bring value by providing direction and advice. Of course, there are times when direction and advice are helpful, but please, don’t ask me to dinner so you can tell me what to do.

Instead, ask me questions. Ask me how I am doing. Really doing. Ask me about my challenges or difficulties. Ask me how I am solving my problems. Ask me how I feel about my job. Ask me how I feel about my life. No advice, just ask and listen. I would love to tell you how I am doing. I would love to tell you how I feel about my life, the things that are important to me. Come here, you can take me to dinner and I will make myself available. I will not miss the opportunity to talk about myself. It’s my favorite subject. -TF