Author Archives: Tom Foster

About Tom Foster

Tom Foster spends most of his time talking with managers and business owners. The conversations are about business lives and personal lives, goals, objectives and measuring performance. In short, transforming groups of people into teams working together. Sometimes we make great strides understanding this management stuff, other times it’s measured in very short inches. But in all of this conversation, there are things that we learn. This blog is that part of the conversation I can share. Often, the names are changed to protect the guilty, but this is real life inside of real companies.

Not Because We Choose

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“Seventy percent of goal.” Phillip was exasperated. Month end review was not kind.

“So, what is causing the shortfall?” I asked.

“Well, for the past two years, we have only had to answer the phone, but the market is getting tighter. We are trying hard to get more proactive, but it’s not enough.”

“So, what has to change?”

Phillip was quiet. I knew he had been working long hours, but not getting the right results.

“Look, Phillip, what happens to us in life doesn’t happen because we choose it or want it. In life, you will never ever get what you want. You will only get what your habits deliver.

“If you want to make a change, you only have to look at your habits. What you are doing, over and over, day after day, delivers the consistent results you receive. An occasional effort brings an occasional result.

“What are your habits? What habits do you choose to make a change?” -TF

Not a Psychologist

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“So, your bully has to change?” I continued.

“Yes. You have talked about necessity in the workplace,” Miriam replied. “This change is necessary for her to continue to be a member of my team.”

“But, can people really change?” I challenged. “You know, we are not psychologists or social workers.” I was testing Miriam’s resolve.

“You are right, I am not a psychologist. I am a manager. It is not my job to make her change. I can make her aware of the problem. I can create an environment where she can make the change. I can check-in with her about her progress, but you are right, the responsibility for change is hers.

“In the end, I am the manager. It is up to me to determine what behavior is necessary for a person to be a member of my team.”

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Our next Leadership Program in Fort Lauderdale begins February 26, 2007. Visit www.workingleadership.com.

Owning the Truth

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Miriam was calm. She had just confronted a bully.

“Interesting,” I responded, “that you talked about your contribution to the problem. You said that the problem persisted, in part, because you had never confronted her, because you lacked the courage.

“As her manager, doesn’t this show weakness?” I knew this was a critical question for Miriam to understand as she moved to the next step with her team member. She had acted swiftly, but with purpose.

“No, it did not show weakness,” she replied. “It was the truth. Owning up to the truth is not an act of weakness. More important, accepting responsibility is the first step to change. Until I own up to the truth, until I understand the behavior is mine, I cannot change my behavior.

“My team member is in the same position. She also has to change. Her first step will be to own up to the truth and take responsibility for her own behavior. As long as she thinks it is someone else’s fault, she can never take the first step to change.”

___
Our next Leadership Program in Fort Lauderdale begins February 26, 2007. Visit www.workingleadership.com.

You Stand For What You Tolerate

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“You stand for what you tolerate.” The words stung. Miriam’s heart skipped a beat. She thought her team was sympathetic with her plight as a manager. Now, she was not so sure.

She didn’t respond. She didn’t ask any questions. She simply stood up and left the room. Miriam was headed for a conversation she should have had months before.

I headed to the coffee room to wait. This would take either ten minutes or an hour.

This was a ten minute conversation.

When Miriam returned, you could see a sense of relief and calm in her face. The tension was gone. She was the first to speak.

“I asked her if she knew that everyone thought that she was a bully. I said that, as her manager, I had contributed to the problem because I never had the courage to talk to her about it.”

“And how did she respond?” I asked.

“She didn’t believe it, I mean, she accepted that it might be true, but she had no clue that is what people thought.”

“How did you leave it?”

“I told her to think about what I said and that we would talk at the end of the day, that, together, we would figure out what had to change.”

“Change?”

“Yes, I said that, as her manager, I could not tolerate bully behavior. That it had to stop.”

Miriam knew her next steps. The difficult part was over. -TF

___
Our next Leadership Program in Fort Lauderdale begins February 26, 2007. Visit www.workingleadership.com.

What Do You Stand For?

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Miriam looked wide eyed as she explained what had happened. “I know I should have confronted the behavior straight away, but I didn’t. And now, she thinks it’s okay to be snotty and nasty to people when she doesn’t get her way.”

“How long has this been going on?” I asked. Miriam stopped. She didn’t want to tell me.

“Well, it pretty much started the first month she was here.” Silence. “Okay, about a year and a half.”

“And you haven’t spoken to her about her behavior?”

“At first I thought she was just having a bad day, then it turned into a bad week, then a bad month. By then, nobody wanted to go near her for fear she would rip their head off.”

“That bad?”

Miriam pursed her lips, looking sideways. “Well, not that bad, but she is just plain mean to people around her.”

“And what does your team think about the way you have handled it?”

“Oh, they must think I am very frustrated with her,” Miriam explained. “They know I am just afraid to say anything, even though I am the manager.”

“I don’t think so.” I lowered my eyes to look directly at Miriam. “After a while, you begin to stand for what you tolerate.” -TF

Only Work One Day a Week

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“I know I have to work differently,” Sharon stammered. “I just can’t seem to get everything done. I am pretty frustrated.”

“Sharon, what would you do differently, if I only allowed you to work one day per week?”

She chuckled at the prospect of the idea. “No, way!”

I lifted my eyes and slowly nodded my head up and down. “Think about it. Describe to me what you would do if you came in Monday morning and knew that your team had to work the rest of the week without you?”

Sharon looked down, then up to the left. “I guess I would meet with each one of my supervisors and make sure they knew what needed to get done that week.”

“And what else?”

“Well, I would ask them if they knew of any problems that would prevent them from getting the job done.”

“And knowing that you would not be there to solve the problem for them that week, how would you discuss the issue?”

“Well, we would probably talk about what they would have to do if the problem actually happened, or maybe how to prevent the problem.”

“So, tell me, Sharon. Which one of your team members could you have that discussion with today?” -TF

The Reward for Hard Work

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“I know I need to delegate more often,” Sharon explained. “But, it just takes that little bit of extra time that I never seem to have. It’s just easier to do it myself.”

“How many hours do you put in each day?” I asked.

“Well, ever since I became a manager, probably ten or eleven. It seems the harder I work, the more work there is to get done.”

“Sharon, do you know the reward for long hours of hard work?” I could see she was going over the obvious answers, dismissing them one at a time. In the end, she had no answer.

“You’re right,” she said, “at this point in my career, I don’t need another plaque to put on the wall. I don’t need to be Employee of the Month, again.”

“The just reward for long hours of hard work is more long hours of hard work.” I stopped. “Is that why you are working so hard?”

Sharon stared, first at me, then the wall behind me, then I think her stare began to burrow into her brain.

“Unless your intention is to work even harder and for longer hours, you have to begin to work differently.” -TF

Invite a Different Person

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Patrick was curious. “I think I understand,” he replied. “When I say you, I sound like a critical parent, no matter how good my intentions are. The word you triggers an emotional response.”

You didn’t do that right.

I nodded, “The word you positions you as the critical parent (ego state) and invites the rebellious child (ego state) to respond. But when you change the word to I, you invite a different person to the conversation.”

I need help with this.

“Who does that sound like?” I asked. “Does that sound like a parent or a child?”

“It sounds like a child. Children always say I want this or I need that,” Patrick replied.

“Exactly. And when you, as a manager use the word I, it positions you differently. More important, who does it invite into the conversation?”

Patrick was quiet, then his face brightened. “A child always asks the parent. When I use the word I,

I need help with this.

“I am asking for help from a parent. I have invited a parent (ego state) into the conversation.” Patrick smiled. This was making sense and now he knew how to go back on the floor and talk to his team member.

Never criticize, it invites a rebellious child to the conversation.
Ask for help, it invites a nurturing parent to the conversation. It is still corrective feedback, just speaking with a different person. -TF

You Didn’t Do That Right

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“In what way can we, as managers, deliver negative feedback, without triggering the fight, flight or freeze response?” I asked.

Patrick shrugged. “I know when I have to do that, it sounds critical, but I just don’t know how to make it sound any better. I have tried that sandwich thing where I start with something positive, then criticize the person, then end with something positive.

“But, they know I am making up the positive parts just so I can slide in the criticism. They are smart. They know the game. Sometimes, it just makes the person angrier.”

“Patrick, I want to talk about words. We understand the intent of negative feedback, and we have to find the words. Words mean things.

“I want to change the pronoun. Criticism uses the pronoun you.

You didn’t do that right.
If you would do it this way, it would be better.

“To a rebellious child (state of mind), you sounds like a critical parent. Even if it is a statement of fact or said in a nurturing tone of voice, you sounds like a critical parent and invites more rebellion.

“I want to change the pronoun to I.

I need help with this.
I am seeing this process a different way.
I want to speed things up here.
I would like to change this.
In what way can we make this better?

“This one simple change invites a different person into the conversation. Do you know why?” -TF

The Rebellious Child

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“Fight, flight or freeze,” repeated Patrick. “That’s it. He freezes, like a deer in the headlights.”

I smiled. Patrick was catching on. “Have you ever noticed, that when you criticize other members of your team, they respond differently?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah,” Patrick nodded. “Sally gets red in the face and starts arguing with me. And Charlie usually makes some excuse about checking inventory, then disappears for forty-five minutes.”

“Fight, flight or freeze,” I repeated. “Whenever you criticize, you tap into that part of the brain. You tap into the rebellious child who wants to fight, or the compliant child who wants to vanish. Fight, flight or freeze. Which of those contributes to productivity?”

Patrick almost started laughing. “You’re right. No wonder I always feel like a critical parent.”

“So, the question is still on the table. How can we, as managers, provide corrective feedback that gets a different response?” -TF