Author Archives: Tom Foster

About Tom Foster

Tom Foster spends most of his time talking with managers and business owners. The conversations are about business lives and personal lives, goals, objectives and measuring performance. In short, transforming groups of people into teams working together. Sometimes we make great strides understanding this management stuff, other times it’s measured in very short inches. But in all of this conversation, there are things that we learn. This blog is that part of the conversation I can share. Often, the names are changed to protect the guilty, but this is real life inside of real companies.

You Stand For What You Tolerate

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“You stand for what you tolerate.” The words stung. Miriam’s heart skipped a beat. She thought her team was sympathetic with her plight as a manager. Now, she was not so sure.

She didn’t respond. She didn’t ask any questions. She simply stood up and left the room. Miriam was headed for a conversation she should have had months before.

I headed to the coffee room to wait. This would take either ten minutes or an hour.

This was a ten minute conversation.

When Miriam returned, you could see a sense of relief and calm in her face. The tension was gone. She was the first to speak.

“I asked her if she knew that everyone thought that she was a bully. I said that, as her manager, I had contributed to the problem because I never had the courage to talk to her about it.”

“And how did she respond?” I asked.

“She didn’t believe it, I mean, she accepted that it might be true, but she had no clue that is what people thought.”

“How did you leave it?”

“I told her to think about what I said and that we would talk at the end of the day, that, together, we would figure out what had to change.”

“Change?”

“Yes, I said that, as her manager, I could not tolerate bully behavior. That it had to stop.”

Miriam knew her next steps. The difficult part was over. -TF

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Our next Leadership Program in Fort Lauderdale begins February 26, 2007. Visit www.workingleadership.com.

What Do You Stand For?

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Miriam looked wide eyed as she explained what had happened. “I know I should have confronted the behavior straight away, but I didn’t. And now, she thinks it’s okay to be snotty and nasty to people when she doesn’t get her way.”

“How long has this been going on?” I asked. Miriam stopped. She didn’t want to tell me.

“Well, it pretty much started the first month she was here.” Silence. “Okay, about a year and a half.”

“And you haven’t spoken to her about her behavior?”

“At first I thought she was just having a bad day, then it turned into a bad week, then a bad month. By then, nobody wanted to go near her for fear she would rip their head off.”

“That bad?”

Miriam pursed her lips, looking sideways. “Well, not that bad, but she is just plain mean to people around her.”

“And what does your team think about the way you have handled it?”

“Oh, they must think I am very frustrated with her,” Miriam explained. “They know I am just afraid to say anything, even though I am the manager.”

“I don’t think so.” I lowered my eyes to look directly at Miriam. “After a while, you begin to stand for what you tolerate.” -TF

Only Work One Day a Week

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“I know I have to work differently,” Sharon stammered. “I just can’t seem to get everything done. I am pretty frustrated.”

“Sharon, what would you do differently, if I only allowed you to work one day per week?”

She chuckled at the prospect of the idea. “No, way!”

I lifted my eyes and slowly nodded my head up and down. “Think about it. Describe to me what you would do if you came in Monday morning and knew that your team had to work the rest of the week without you?”

Sharon looked down, then up to the left. “I guess I would meet with each one of my supervisors and make sure they knew what needed to get done that week.”

“And what else?”

“Well, I would ask them if they knew of any problems that would prevent them from getting the job done.”

“And knowing that you would not be there to solve the problem for them that week, how would you discuss the issue?”

“Well, we would probably talk about what they would have to do if the problem actually happened, or maybe how to prevent the problem.”

“So, tell me, Sharon. Which one of your team members could you have that discussion with today?” -TF

The Reward for Hard Work

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“I know I need to delegate more often,” Sharon explained. “But, it just takes that little bit of extra time that I never seem to have. It’s just easier to do it myself.”

“How many hours do you put in each day?” I asked.

“Well, ever since I became a manager, probably ten or eleven. It seems the harder I work, the more work there is to get done.”

“Sharon, do you know the reward for long hours of hard work?” I could see she was going over the obvious answers, dismissing them one at a time. In the end, she had no answer.

“You’re right,” she said, “at this point in my career, I don’t need another plaque to put on the wall. I don’t need to be Employee of the Month, again.”

“The just reward for long hours of hard work is more long hours of hard work.” I stopped. “Is that why you are working so hard?”

Sharon stared, first at me, then the wall behind me, then I think her stare began to burrow into her brain.

“Unless your intention is to work even harder and for longer hours, you have to begin to work differently.” -TF

Invite a Different Person

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Patrick was curious. “I think I understand,” he replied. “When I say you, I sound like a critical parent, no matter how good my intentions are. The word you triggers an emotional response.”

You didn’t do that right.

I nodded, “The word you positions you as the critical parent (ego state) and invites the rebellious child (ego state) to respond. But when you change the word to I, you invite a different person to the conversation.”

I need help with this.

“Who does that sound like?” I asked. “Does that sound like a parent or a child?”

“It sounds like a child. Children always say I want this or I need that,” Patrick replied.

“Exactly. And when you, as a manager use the word I, it positions you differently. More important, who does it invite into the conversation?”

Patrick was quiet, then his face brightened. “A child always asks the parent. When I use the word I,

I need help with this.

“I am asking for help from a parent. I have invited a parent (ego state) into the conversation.” Patrick smiled. This was making sense and now he knew how to go back on the floor and talk to his team member.

Never criticize, it invites a rebellious child to the conversation.
Ask for help, it invites a nurturing parent to the conversation. It is still corrective feedback, just speaking with a different person. -TF

You Didn’t Do That Right

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“In what way can we, as managers, deliver negative feedback, without triggering the fight, flight or freeze response?” I asked.

Patrick shrugged. “I know when I have to do that, it sounds critical, but I just don’t know how to make it sound any better. I have tried that sandwich thing where I start with something positive, then criticize the person, then end with something positive.

“But, they know I am making up the positive parts just so I can slide in the criticism. They are smart. They know the game. Sometimes, it just makes the person angrier.”

“Patrick, I want to talk about words. We understand the intent of negative feedback, and we have to find the words. Words mean things.

“I want to change the pronoun. Criticism uses the pronoun you.

You didn’t do that right.
If you would do it this way, it would be better.

“To a rebellious child (state of mind), you sounds like a critical parent. Even if it is a statement of fact or said in a nurturing tone of voice, you sounds like a critical parent and invites more rebellion.

“I want to change the pronoun to I.

I need help with this.
I am seeing this process a different way.
I want to speed things up here.
I would like to change this.
In what way can we make this better?

“This one simple change invites a different person into the conversation. Do you know why?” -TF

The Rebellious Child

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“Fight, flight or freeze,” repeated Patrick. “That’s it. He freezes, like a deer in the headlights.”

I smiled. Patrick was catching on. “Have you ever noticed, that when you criticize other members of your team, they respond differently?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah,” Patrick nodded. “Sally gets red in the face and starts arguing with me. And Charlie usually makes some excuse about checking inventory, then disappears for forty-five minutes.”

“Fight, flight or freeze,” I repeated. “Whenever you criticize, you tap into that part of the brain. You tap into the rebellious child who wants to fight, or the compliant child who wants to vanish. Fight, flight or freeze. Which of those contributes to productivity?”

Patrick almost started laughing. “You’re right. No wonder I always feel like a critical parent.”

“So, the question is still on the table. How can we, as managers, provide corrective feedback that gets a different response?” -TF

Fight, Flight or Freeze

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“How did you expect him to respond?” I asked.

“I expected him to stop doing what he was doing and do what I told him to do,” answered Patrick. “Instead, he just froze. He stopped. His face went blank, like he was all confused. So I left the floor to let him figure it out, get his bearings. Ten minutes later, I’m back out there and he is doing it the old way again. As soon as he sees me, he stops, like he is lost. It was like his first day on the job again.”

“How would you describe his attitude, as a worker?” I asked.

“He has a good attitude, you can tell he wants to do things right, but when you criticize his work, he goes totally incompetent on you.”

“Why do you think that happens?”

“I don’t know. It’s not logical or rational. It’s like he isn’t thinking with part of his brain.”

“Which part of his brain isn’t working?”

“Like, I said,” Patrick continued, “the logical, rational part.”

“So, when you criticize him, what part of his brain do you think you are tapping into? Because you know we all have different parts to our brain.” Patrick was stumped. He knew about different parts of the brain, but he was a manager, not a psychologist.

“Patrick, there are three big parts of the brain. First is that logical, rational part. Second is the emotional part. And the third is the oldest part of the brain. This old brain is what we first used for survival back in the early days of man. This old brain is constantly looking out for danger. Of course, danger today is different than back in the dinosaur days, but it still operates. Most of the time, the old brain, when it senses danger triggers a “fight” or “flight” response. But sometimes, it doesn’t know what to do and just freezes. I call it fight, flight or freeze.

“Think about your criticism as a danger signal that creates fear and I think you will gain some insight into his response.

“As a manager, at times, we have to provide negative feedback, corrective guidance, especially in matters of safety, specific sequences, the way we deal with customers and so on. In what way can we, as managers, provide that feedback without invoking the fight, flight or freeze response?” -TF

We Can’t Talk About It

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From the Ask Tom mailbag:

Question:

I find myself sometimes in meetings where things are often decided in advance, by politics. And the meeting seems just organized to the appearance of democracy. There is no control in these meetings. They just happen and sometimes it is better to just let it go and walk away. Nevertheless, I step out of those meetings with a bad feeling.

Response:

First, your stomach is an excellent guidepost to the effectiveness of a meeting. When your stomach feels bad, something was not discussed that is actually preventing the organization from making progress.

This often happens counter the intentions of the manager.

Susan was concerned about her team not being creative enough. She called a meeting to come up with some creative ideas to solve a customer problem. When the meeting started, Susan passed around copies of her list of ideas. Then she asked the group to come up with their ideas. She was disappointed that no one else had any. NONE. So she called to complain that her team isn’t creative. She feels so overworked because she has to come up with all the ideas.

Worse, her team comes out of that meeting feeling bad that they had not contributed. It was all they could do to properly support the ideas that Susan came up with.

It was all pretense, all the appearance of participation. So, what is the issue? What is NOT being discussed, that must be discussed for Susan’s team to make progress going forward? -TF

What Can We Do To Help?

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Once again, I am in awe at the collective wisdom and the willingness to share among the people who read Management Skills Blog. Yesterday we published a question from our mailbag. Here is the essence:

I have difficulty getting anything done because the people lack interest. They do not realize how much the business hinges on IT. I have tried introducing standard policies like email, AUP, DRP, a disaster recovery plan, but they just have no interest despite the importance.

To read the full story and all of the comments, please follow this link. Silly Policy.

One thing I have found over the years in classroom teaching, no matter how smart I think I am, no one listens. My son doesn’t listen, my wife doesn’t listen, my class members don’t listen. Yet, I am a teacher. How do I get people to listen? It’s the same conundrum for our IT manager. How can he get people to understand how important his IT policies are? It’s actually the same conundrum for any manager with any policy. How do we get people to listen?

We don’t. People will not listen until they see the benefit to listen. Here is what I would do if I were the IT manager in this situation. The objective is to raise awareness of the importance of these policies and procedures.

I would start with a survey. This can be administered via email without anyone’s permission. The questions should follow something like this:

1. On any given day, how many hours do you spend at the computer?
2. What tasks do you perform each day that are made easier with the computer?
3. How would you accomplish those daily tasks if the computer system were to fail this Friday?
4. How important is our computer system to your ability to perform in your role?
5. How could the computer system better help you perform in your role?
6. What could the IT department do to better help you perform in your role?

Remember, this is just the beginning to establish two things.
1. How the computer system is really helpful.
2. How much you are interested in their success.

And this is just the beginning. -TF