Isn’t it funny, in school, when we think of the three “R’s,” none of them really starts with an “R.” Isn’t it funny, when we think about Communication in the organization, it’s always about talking, presenting and writing. I always ask my classes:

• “How many of you, at some point in school, learned how to write?” All hands go up.
• “And how many of you, at some point in school, learned how to read?” All hands go up.
• “And how many of you, at some point, took a class in debate or public speaking?” Many hands go up.
• “And how many of you have take some formal class of instruction in listening skills?” Few hands go up.

Okay, let’s examine different levels of listening.

• Level I – Ignoring (my wife says, I must be good at this, as much as I practice)
• Level II – Pretending to listen (my wife says my skill definitely exceeds the ignoring level)
• Level III – Selective listening (I always hear the part about the score of the football game, yet miss the part about taking out the garbage)
• Level IV – Attentive listening (finally, some serious listening happening here)

It is only with Level IV that we are able to make headway to improve the quality of communication. Yet, most of our attentive listening consists of eye contact, some positive body language and focus on the other person’s lips, waiting… waiting… waiting… for them to finally take a breath, so we can break in and… respond. Most attentive listening is listening to respond.

To improve the quality of communication, attentive listening must move to a deeper level, listening for understanding. It is only at this level that we begin to truly understand the other person. Listen for understanding.

Yet, take it one level deeper and you will see exponential benefits from your conversations. Listen for discovery. Discovery is that intersection of the other person’s direction and your direction. That point of intersection is communication magic. It’s like that common ground you find when you discover that both parties grew up in Austin, Texas. The conversation changes, a new level of trust occurs. The real discovery, however, the true payoff is the discovery of intersection in the future. In what direction is the other person headed? What direction are you headed? Where, in the field, will you meet up? Listen for discovery. -TF

Remember the bio-feedback days. It was all the rage, an entire arm of the psychology, self-help, medical community started a little cottage industry. I don’t know where it started, maybe with the old lie-detector machines that measured Galvanic skin response. The essence of the science was that various stimuli in the environment create predictable biological responses in the body, sparking electrical and chemical changes in brain patterns and hormone levels. It’s what gives you the sweats when you get nervous.

You don’t hear much about bio-feedback anymore, but the bio-responses in your body are still very real. As a Manager, these bio-responses can work for you and against you. For the most part, bio-response is unconscious, we don’t know what is going on inside, but the hormones are being released nonetheless. As brain patterns change or hormone levels build, if the Manager can become sensitive to the change, two very important things can occur.

• Heightened intuition
• Channeled reaction

Charlie was in my office yesterday. We were talking about mostly nothing for a half a minute, when I suddenly became uncomfortable. Something happened inside of me, mostly with my stomach. I wasn’t in discomfort, but there was a significant twinge. Some people believe that intuition is unexplainable, but I think intuition is simply getting in touch with the bio-responses that unconsciously occur all the time.

The twinge in my stomach was caused by a short silence, a white space in the conversation. I had asked a question about Charlie’s last meeting with his boss. There was no response from Charlie. Silence in a conversation often causes a momentary awkwardness, which is a bio-response to “I don’t know where this conversation is going next? I thought I knew, but I don’t know now. I wish I knew, but I still don’t know. I hope this conversation get some direction soon, because this awful silence is killing me.” BOOM. That’s the bio-response. Heightened intuition (simply getting in touch with the bio-response) tells me that we are talking about something more significant than the weather. The first important element of bio-response is heightened intuition.

The second is channeled reaction. The automatic (unconscious) reaction to a bio-response is to avoid. Do anything to make this feeling go away. The silence was awkward. The automatic (unconscious) response is simply to “talk.” Make the silence go away. If I talk, the silence will be gone, the awkwardness will be gone and I won’t feel this way. It is also likely that the conversation will steer back to a discussion of the weather.

Channel the reaction. When the Manager becomes aware of the bio-response, the reaction can be channeled productively. My bio-response to Charlie was a twinge in the stomach. The twinge told me that this conversation had potential to be more meaningful. I could avoid it or I could engage. Avoiding it would be easy, simply talk to fill the silence, talk about anything. OR, I could engage, and channel the reaction. I could let the silence continue. I could let the silence do the heavy lifting to move this conversation to the next level. Something significant had happened between Charlie and his boss and Charlie needed to talk about it. We could have talked about sports, or we could have engaged in a meaningful discussion that had real impact on Charlie.

The bio-response gives the Manager a heightened sense of intuition and the possibility to channel the reaction to a more productive outcome. Listen to the twinges, watch for white space in conversations. —TF

In her book, Fierce Conversations, Susan Scott talks about deepening our conversations, taking our conversations closer to reality, having our conversations enrich our relationships. This holiday time is perfect for practicing the skill of the Mineral Rights Conversation.

Mineral Rights is a multi-level conversation which cycles through surface issues, toward deeper insights, understanding and learning. Mineral Rights is the kind of conversation we often avoid, yet long to have. Yes, it deals with issues of the heart, beliefs and values. I am often asked when I teach this skill, “Isn’t that kind of personal?” Well, yes. “Doesn’t it make people uncomfortable to talk about that?” Well, no.

People like to talk about themselves. In fact, most people are actually waiting for someone to come along so they can talk about things close to the heart, what they believe, things important. They have been waiting all their lives for someone like you to listen.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. You will be spending time with family and friends. Take your conversations to a new place. Listen for what is important. You will find your relationships will be enriched by these conversations. In fact, you will find the conversation is the relationship.

Happy Thanksgiving. —TF