“I’m not trying to show off,” defended Alex. “I have the answer, it’s quicker, it solves the problem. I know it looks like I am a just being a glory hog, but I call it a touchdown.”

I waited. Alex was in no mood to listen, not even to himself. So, I waited some more. Finally, I spoke.

“Alex, three months ago, did we expect you to have the answers to the biggest decisions on your projects?”

“Absolutely, that’s why I got the promotion.”

“Yes, three months ago, we expected you to be the best, the smartest person in the room. That’s why we promoted you to manager. Do you think this is a different game now?”

“I suppose it is or I wouldn’t be sitting here.”

“Alex, the game is different. Before, we expected you to have all the answers. Now you are a manager. We expect you to have all the questions. Instead of being the smartest person, you may have to be the dumbest person. I want you to ask,

What if? By when? Why did that happen? When do we expect to finish? How come that happened? What is stopping us?

“Just a few simple, dumb questions. It’s a different role you are playing, now.” -TF

“I don’t understand,” complained Christopher. “I keep telling them what they are doing wrong and they just keep doing it.”

“Christopher, would you describe that feedback as positive feedback or negative feedback?” I queried.

“Well, it’s hardly positive, so it must be negative,” he replied.

“So, if they won’t listen to negative feedback from you, who, in their life, will they accept it from?”

Chris thought for a minute. “I don’t know, their mother?”

“Unfortunately, they won’t even listen to their mother. There is only one person who can get through to them, only one person who can voice negative feedback that they will listen to.” I stopped to see that I finally had Chris’ undivided attention. “The only voice they will listen to is their own voice.”

“What do you mean? How can I get them to say negative things about themselves?”

“It’s a very simple question. To get a better result, what could you do differently? Then wait. The next words out of their mouth will state the negative feedback they need to hear from the only person they will listen to.” -TF

“Do people learn more from success or from a mistake?” I asked.

Rory looked up. “I suppose they learn more from mistakes.”

“I wonder why that is?”

“I don’t know. I never thought about it.”

“The reason people learn more from mistakes is because they sit and try to figure out what went wrong. When people are successful, they are too busy celebrating to stop and figure out what went right.

“Next time a project goes well, stop and ask yourself, what were the factors that caused things to turn out right. Learning from success can be very powerful and it feels a lot better than learning from mistakes.” -TF

Barry looked stunned when I got to his office. He had been training his new supervisor for the past three months. On his desk was a handwritten note, “I really appreciate all the time you spent with me over the past couple of months. Unfortunately, I just found another job.” Barry grabbed the paper. I didn’t need to read the rest.

“The worst part,” said Barry, “is that I have to start training all over. Lucky I have another person for the job, but it will take three months to get her up to speed.”

“The best part,” I interrupted, “is that you just finished training someone. The training is fresh in your mind. You remember what worked and what didn’t. You remember what took a long time and what was easy. Now, is the time to write all that down, starting with step one. Put it in a three ring binder and what will you have?”

After a brief pause, Barry grinned. “I will have a training manual.”

“Even more important, you will have the opportunity to tweak your training manual as you train this new person. In another year, you may find that you have to promote this young supervisor and we will be having this same conversation. But then, you won’t feel so bad because you will know where to start.” -TF

“Tell me about that picture of the next step for you.” I was talking to Jeanine.

“I can’t. I can’t do it until I have the authority to do it.” She was struggling with her position in the company. She was in position to help solve some communication issues between several teams inside the company. “I just don’t have their respect. If I had the title, it would just be easier.”

“Jeanine, I can’t give you the title. You have to earn the title. I cannot make people have respect for you, it has to be earned.”

“But, if I don’t have the authority, how can I get their respect?”

I paused. “Jeanine, it is really very simple. All you have to do is bring value to the thinking and the work of those around you. Stimulate their thinking, help them improve to the next level, show them how they can solve their own problems.

“People will always seek out others in the organization that bring value to their thinking and their work. I can assign a direct report to a manager, but if that manager is not bringing value to the party, the direct report will always seek out the person that is.

“If you want respect, forget the title. Bring value to the thinking and work of those around you. You will earn it.” -TF

“I never thought of it that way,” said Julia. Her face showed a new brightness. “You mean you can really do that?”

For the past few minutes we had been talking about an open position in another department in her company. Julia had her eye on it. It would be a big step for her.

“So, have you applied for it? You know the manager that held that position before he got promoted. You sat across the table from him in many meetings.” I prodded.

“I really don’t know if I would be qualified. I don’t know where to start.”

“Look, Julia, most of us don’t know where to start. So, try here. Ask that manager if he would be your mentor for his old position. Start with an email or coffee in the company break room.”

Julia was resisting. “Why would anyone stop their busy day to help me learn?” The words were no sooner out of her mouth when she realized how absurd it sounded.

“Julia, people love to talk about how they successfully built their department and achieved their goals. You will be absolutely amazed, if you would just ask.” -TF

“Let me take Curtis’ point-of-view,” says Barry in a comment to last Friday’s post. We had been talking about Curtis (the Manager) and Roger (the new Supervisor). We were exploring how a Manager turns over increasing responsibility to a new Supervisor. Barry continues,

“While Curtis may BE a micro-manager, I think the BIGGER point is that he’s not yet comfortable in KNOWING that Roger will do the right thing. I would add that Roger should engage Curtis in several conversations – related to, but separate from, any particular assignment – about what Curtis feels IS the right thing. That way, Roger can help show Curtis in non-essential moments that he has a good head on his shoulders and can be trusted more when it comes to doing the ACTUAL work.”

I find a great way to structure these conversations is by using a written document which captures daily outcomes, weekly outcomes and monthly outcomes. This spells out expectations right from the get-go. It also outlines appropriate (expected) moments for follow-up.

These conversations create helpful (rather than meddling) opportunities for coaching. -TF