“In what way can we, as managers, deliver negative feedback, without triggering the fight, flight or freeze response?” I asked.
Patrick shrugged. “I know when I have to do that, it sounds critical, but I just don’t know how to make it sound any better. I have tried that sandwich thing where I start with something positive, then criticize the person, then end with something positive.
“But, they know I am making up the positive parts just so I can slide in the criticism. They are smart. They know the game. Sometimes, it just makes the person angrier.”
“Patrick, I want to talk about words. We understand the intent of negative feedback, and we have to find the words. Words mean things.
“I want to change the pronoun. Criticism uses the pronoun you.
You didn’t do that right.
If you would do it this way, it would be better.
“To a rebellious child (state of mind), you sounds like a critical parent. Even if it is a statement of fact or said in a nurturing tone of voice, you sounds like a critical parent and invites more rebellion.
“I want to change the pronoun to I.
I need help with this.
I am seeing this process a different way.
I want to speed things up here.
I would like to change this.
In what way can we make this better?
“This one simple change invites a different person into the conversation. Do you know why?” -TF
Quite often when I am teaching my newer managers I use this concept, it really helps them use active listening to resolve issues instead of confrontation. Another Idea or concept is to help them realize they are viewing a situation as a problem not the person. You can stay mad at someone forever its harder to say upset with a situation. You are more likely to try and help resolve it without taking it personally or showing it as a personal affront.
I can only agree with Trest. Never go personal, always talk about the “situation”, and how it make you feel and what it is that makes you feel that anger.
Giving feedback is a lot easier if you truly have empathy for the receiver, and you demonstrate it. In a couple of extreme cases for me, we started by working together to define success: what does success look like, rather than what it doesn’t look like, and how success is measured. This is truly a non hostile approach if done right. In both cases I was an advocate for the employee, and they knew it. Unfortunately neither was successful, but because we had an open collaborative approach to trying to make them successful, there was zero hostility, and I truly had their attention.
Hmmm….
– Steven Burda, MBA
Connect to me: http://www.linkedin.com/in/burda